I debated long and hard about this. Mostly because I am naturally more of a private person when it comes to deeply personal things. I tend towards working through things privately and not sharing as much on a personal level. I have asked myself why this might be so… and the one response I hear and feel is shame.
I think we can all relate (at least on some level) to witnessing the lives of people around us… especially on social media where it appears that people have it all together all the time. That those we consider to be “successful” haven’t struggled or aren’t currently struggling with things. We see smiling pictures of “happy couples” or “healthy people” or “wealthy people” and we compare and we do what we do as humans. Because, typically posts about the not so pleasant life circumstances are not taken as well… those raw, kick you in the gut kinds of realities that none of us wants to believe, can be tough to read. And if we are not in touch with our own pain, it can be even harder to find compassion when we do read those things. I get it. I’m not above anything…. or anyone.
Initially, I was not going to share any of this, but I had a moment recently that sort of guided me to do otherwise. Now, I want to be clear that I am not a medical doctor and NOTHING about what I say is medical advice and should not be taken as such. I will also say that yes, I will be sharing, but some things I have decided to keep private for my own level of comfort. I am sharing basic information as a way to release some of the shame and hopefully, inspire other women along the way.
A few weeks ago, I received the news that I had an abnormal pap smear (non-cancerous cells). The advice I was given was to schedule what’s called a colposcopy which is essentially where they go in and take tissue from the cervix. YIKES!
The shock of the results took me some time to work through. I immediately knew that this procedure sounded traumatizing to such a vulnerable place within myself. That said, there were a lot of things for me to consider when making the decision for my next steps. I felt scared at the thought that this could someday turn into cancer and what if it was progressed more than what they knew at the time? So many thoughts, but one underlying feeling..… give your body time to heal.
To me, this was a cry from my feminine. The part of my body that helped bring my daughter into this world. The part of my body that has withstood cycle after cycle of death and rebirth within… the gateway to life.
Now, as a woman… even as a young girl I was never encouraged to be in touch with my cervix. I have to wonder how common that really is… are we encouraging our daughters to touch this very sacred aspect of themselves? To explore and feel it throughout its cycles? Does the thought of touching this part of yourself make you feel squeamish?
I’ll be honest, it did for me. It has always felt so out of my reach (no pun intended) and the thought of touching it felt foreign and strange (isn’t that what the OBGYN is for? Ha!).
So I had to ask myself; what’s the underlying message?
Most of my life I have operated in more of a masculine energy (more to come on that later) and have been accessing my feminine more and more over the past three or four years. There is still so much I am uncovering, but I feel that now I am being asked to go deeper.
One day as I was thinking about the news I’d been given and how powerless I felt, this thought suddenly popped into my head…”Fuck that! My cervix is powerful and if it can help bring my daughter into this world, then surely it can heal itself.”
So it’s time for me to connect with her…with this portal to my sacred right as a woman.
My hope is that you can join me through my journey and if you have ever been on this path or currently find yourself here that we can hold space for one another and lean on one another over the course of the year.
I have decided to opt out of the procedure (get another pap test in a year with the agreement of my doctor) and focus solely on healing myself through touch, essential oils, teas, tinctures, vitamins and minerals, creative movement and crystal therapy. I will share my journey with you here and maybe inspire you to get in touch with this sacred aspect of yourself along the way.
Thank you for holding space for me as I navigate this thing called life.
Together we Heal…